CREAM TEAM
Trust... At a successful company like this,
that's the glue that holds everything together.
At Veridian Dynamics,
we even hold special events to build that trust.
Don't let me go!
I will not let you go! Come on!
It's like the virtual climbing wall at MIT.
It wasn't there when I was there!
It's virtual. Technically, it was never there.
Now don't look down.
I'm falling! I'm falling!
I've got you!
Once you've that trust,
you know someone will always have your back.
You realize if this project goes forward,
all the aborigines in Australia will lose their sense of smell.
Which is why I'm going to kill it.
That's too high a price to pay for fabric softener.
If those aborigines were here, they'd smell a good man.
- Ready? - Hair?
- Good. Teeth? - Clear. Tie?
Stain.
Gotcha.
But the most important thing is the trust
the public has in our products.
That's why many of our products never get past the testing phase...
Like our soldier-tracking gps underwear.
Hot.
But sometimes, in spite of our best efforts,
a bad product does get through...
And for any corporation, the worst-case scenario is...
The company's being sued for something we made.
Is it that number the accounting guys invented for tax purposes?
Then on a scale of one to zurplex, how bad is it?
It's bad.
Remember that perfume your team developed about a year ago?
In 3 out of 5,000 women,
it reacts with their body chemistry
and attracts hornets who want to mate with them.
And when the hornets realize they've been deceived, do they
laugh it off?
If by "laugh" you mean sting over and over again
in endless waves of fury, then yes, they've a wonderful sense of humor.
- Has the company offered to settle? - Generously
enough to buy each woman a new face of equal or greater value
than her original.
But their lawyers are gonna try to screw us
by claiming we knew the perfume had this problem
- but put it on the market anyway. - What?
- That's ridiculous. - Exactly.
We're all gonna have to give depositions
and say we didn't know this could happen.
But we didn't know it.
That sounds very truthful.
- Because we didn't know. - That one wasn't as good.
- But we didn't. - There you go. That's the one.
I'd leave my name out of it.
With the public's trust at stake, we all gave depositions.
Veronica had done it before and so knew just what to say...
Or how little to say.
Were you involved in the development of this product?
How would you summarize the company's reaction
when they found out that the women who used this product
were savagely attacked by insects?
Will you elaborate on that
Can you describe your job?
How would you describe it?
Cleverly.
My deposition also went well, although it took an odd turn.
Tell me, Mr. Crisp,
would you give this perfume to your wife?
I don't have a wife.
- Girlfriend? - I don't have a girlfriend.
Boyfriend?
No boyfriend.
So there's nobody significant at all in your life...
That you would give the perfume to?
Nope, just me and my daughter.
And Phil? Well, Phil doesn't do well under pressure.
Mr. Myman,
it says here you went to M.I.T Right?
I'm a liar... A damned, dirty liar.
- Excuse me? - When I took this job, I lied.
I didn't attend M.I.T
I graduated from the university of aruba.
I wanted to be a big fish in a little pond.
I played rugby,
and I am proud of my years
as a syphilitic conquistador. That was the team name.
They wanted something the locals found frightening.
Lem was nervous, too... So nervous he whipped up
something in the lab to keep himself calm.
He may have over whipped.
Hello, cats and kittens. I'm here to testify.
This is nice.
The air feels like jell-o.
But eventually, all the depositions ended up in the same place.
Were you aware that this product was potentially dangerous?
Absolutely not.
Negatory, catwoman.
Now what exactly...
Wait a minute. Did you just say yes?
And did you notify anyone within the company
- about the situation? - I sent an e-mail to the C.E.O.
And I sent another one to...
yes?
Ms. Zwordling, who else knew about this?
Our Ted?
Mistakes... We all make them.
But sometimes mistakes lead to great discoveries.
Mistakes are how we learn and grow...
So we can do amazing things.
When you think about it, shouldn't you be thanking us
for making mistakes?
You told the lawyers that the perfume attracts hornets?
I was under oath. I had to tell the truth,
which I probably would've done anyway. It's kind of a bad habit I have.
But it wasn't the truth. You didn't send it.
- Yes, I did. - No, you didn't.
- Oh, yes, I did. - I didn't get any e-mail,
you could have at least warned me that that's what you were gonna say
The lawyers told us not to discuss our testimony,
and I did send it to you, Ted. I remember. It was my first week here.
It was my first project.
Hello. Linda, right?
Yes, Mr. Crisp. Linda zwordling.
Please call me Ted. Oh,
and you call me Linda.
Oh, you already did. Then keep calling me Linda.
And you keep calling me Ted,
and together, we'll call each other by our names.
It's just crazy enough to work.
Oh, god. That's not my laugh. I don't know where that came from.
I'm just so excited to be here and working for this company
that does all these great things.
You know, my cousin uses the wheelchair you guys invented...
It was my idea to give them brakes.
You should have seen those suckers barreling downstairs.
You're joking... With me... On my first day.
I love this place.
Before I forget, we've been getting unusual results
on this perfume product I've been testing.
- Can I speak to you? - Sure. Have you met Linda?
Yes. With the laugh.
Don't worry. I'm working on a new one.
That's not it.
Well, keep us posted.
If there's something I should know about the results,
Send me an e-mail.
E- got it.
You know what I'm doing? I'm trying too hard.
A few minutes later, I sent you the e-mail.
Well, I believe that you believe you sent it,
but I know where I was, and I didn't get anything.
How can you be so sure?
It was memorable because it was my first week,
and I was just field-testing my laugh.
For you, it was just another day.
Well, I remember because,
Well, I just do.
If there's something I should know about the results, Send me an e-mail.
E- got it.
You know what I'm doing? I'm trying too hard.
I like that hairstyle.
It's very powerful.
Would you mind if I wore my hair like that?
Of course not.
Good. Then you can't anymore.
The laughing girl whose hair I'm taking likes you.
So you wanted to talk to me?
Right after our teleconference, France called.
They're in. God, you're on your game this afternoon.
You think? 'cause I wasn't really feeling it.
Ted, that was an excellent presentation.
Everything you said was just so concise and exactly...
I think you and I should have sex...
If you want.
How could you know where you were at that exact moment six months ago?
What were you doing that was so memorable?
Well, I was, just lying down.
You were lying down? That's how you remember it so vividly?
Yes, because,
well, the blood had rushed to my brain.
- Why are you being so weird? - I'm not being weird. It's you.
You did get my e-mail, and you're lying.
That's what's happening. This what Ted looks like when he lies.
You think I'm lying?
I think you'd do anything to protect this company and its precious C.E.O.
- You're gay for this place. - I am not lying,
The company did anything wrong.
If that makes me gay, then I'm gay.
Oh, settle down.
Linda's claim that she had warned me and the c. E. o.
About the faulty perfume made things pretty frosty between us.
Hello, person who thinks I'm incompetent.
Hello, person who thinks I'm lying.
I'm incompetent and a liar. I don't get a hello?
And Linda's statement didn't just affect the two of us.
It sent shock waves through the whole company.
Our legal department was working around the clock
looking for a defense strategy...
And our executives were working equally hard
to find a scapegoat.
But it wasn't just Linda's deposition that was causing fallout.
You went to the university of Aruba?
Where knowledge is king and clothing is optional.
You lied to me. You said you went to M.I.T. Like I did.
We even did the school beaver dance together.
Now it just seems stupid.
What else have you been lying to me about? How can I trust you?
I bet you weren't even rescued in Montana by Harrison Ford.
That is true. I swear.
I woke up next to a campfire with Indiana Jones making me bacon.
Look, I'm sorry.
I should have been honest , but I had just started working here,
and I was afraid I'd get fired if anyone found out I lied.
I know it was wrong, but it was so long ago.
Too bad your first day of work had to be during'60s week.
- So you went to M.I.T. Me, too. - Really?
I should have figured I'd run into another M.I.T.
Grad out here in the world of science.
Now that we both went there, let's promise never to talk about it again
Are you kidding? That's all we're gonna talk about!
M. i. T. Was the best, The academic clubs,
the dorms, the guys, the girl...
You lied, Phil.
And you know what we do with liars at MIT.?
No, you don't.
The company needs to protect its image, and we have a offer for you.
Phil and Lem's trust had been shattered, but the company hadn't given up
on trying to restore the public's trust.
They want me to be the scapegoat?
We can't let the CEO. Take the blame, and you're the one who blabbed.
But I'm the only one who did the right thing.
You know what we call that?
Irony.
Now here's how it's going to work...
You say you knew the product was faulty, but you didn't tell anyone,
and you made up that e-mail's story because you've a drug problem.
I don't have a drug problem. I haven't taken drugs since...
Well, you don't need to know the last time I got high.
The point is, I don't have a drug problem.
But you don't need one. That's the beauty of this plan.
Linda, why can't you ever trust the company?
They know what they're doing. They've done it before.
It is all my fault.
I knew there was a problem with the pasta sauce,
but I did not notify my superiors because, well,
I'm a drug addict.
My goodness, how I love the drugs.
I would take them in my house. I would take them with a mouse.
With a mouse, people.
Now that's rock bottom.
This way the company is protected,
and if you agree to this, you'll be handsomely rewarded.
- No. - You'll be sent to the most
- beautiful rehab facility . - Didn't do it.
You'll get to meet movie stars, rock stars
and people famous just for going in and out of rehab.
- Didn't do it. - When you get back,
your job will be waiting for you because you've a disease
A disease that makes you look weak and dirty
and us compassionate and forgiving.
It's a win-win.
- How is that a win for me? - Shut up, junkie.
It wasn't surprising that the company wanted Linda to be a scapegoat.
- The surprising thing was... - You accepted their offer?
- You're gonna say it's your fault? - Yes, I'm gonna take the fall
and land in a giant pile of money.
You're not a drug addict. You can't afford to be a drug addict.
- Well, that's all about to change. - Linda, why are you doing this?
Look at this place, Ted. They freeze an employee.
They weaponize pumpkins.
They took an innocent panda and turned it into an assassin.
When you work here you try to find one person you can trust,
one person who sees things the way you do and knows right from wrong.
I thought I'd found him,
but he sold his soul to the company, so why shouldn't I?
I swear to god, I didn't get the e-mail.
The company scheduled a press conference.
Would you be comfortable saying you caught her trying to sell the copier?
She says she's OK with it.
No, I am not gonna say that.
Why must you always fight me?
What are you doing?
I'm looking for a record of Linda's e-mail.
- She said she sent it may 5th. - May 5th, may 35th...
What's the difference? Let it go.
Let her take the deal and make some money.
Don't you see what's happening? We are taking the only person here
who has never compromised her ideals
and turning her into an ideal compromiser,
and I don't mean an ideal compromiser,
one who all the other compromisers look up to.
I understand context, Ted.
She was our conscience.
- So now what are we gonna do? - Gosh, you're right.
How will we ever make the fortune 500 list of the most moral companies?
Oh, wait. They don't have that.
- Morning, Lem. - Phillip.
I've been thinking about our past
and how
I chummed the waters of our friendship with fish guts of dishonesty.
And I've been thinking about how the shark of my loyalty
gorged on the deceitful entrails of your bloody lies.
So we both saw that shark special last night.
- Great, no? - I was struck
by their capacity for forgiveness...
Their cold, black eyes, so full of compassion.
What you are watching is two scientists
in their natural habitat awkwardly circling each other
as they attempt to repair their battered friendship.
This ritual allows Phil and Lem to confront and resolve their problems
while staying within the safe confines of marine biology.
And that is why the otter will always be the jester of the sea.
Agreed.
I forgive you. Thanks, Lem.
I just...
wish I could forgive myself for lying to my friend for the past ten years.
Here.
Maybe these will help.
Look through my glasses.
Look through my lying glasses.
These aren't prescription.
These are just clear glass.
When I first started working here, I thought they'd make me look smarter.
For the last ten years, I've been lying to you, too.
I always assumed you had poor eyesight.
Because you wear glasses.
I had a feeling that's what people were thinking.
Just glad I don't have to wear these anymore.
I still look smart without 'em?
Okay, before you sign, let me go over the conditions
with you once more.
We've been through it three times. I'm a scapegoat, not an actual goat.
Linda, wait!
I have to show you something.
Go ahead, angel junk.
That's the street name we're giving you in the press release.
Look. This explains everything.
I know how babies are made,
and I am so not in the mood for porn right now.
- Wait. Let me zoom in. - Yeah, that's gonna help.
Is that you and Veronica?
Gross! Why are you showing me this? What the hell is wrong with you?
Just look at the date. It's may 5th.
This is right after we talked about the perfume. This is what I was doing.
I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't think it was
relevant, but keep watching.
You have new mail.
Did you say something?
No, the orientation's over. You're on your own now.
Look at the computer.
There's your e-mail arriving.
Veronica deleted it. She kicked the keyboard
- while she was having her second... - All right. I get it. You're a stud.
So this is why you didn't see my e-mail.
You were telling the truth.
We both were. I'm sorry I doubted you.
- Yeah, what was with that? - You're the one that called me a liar.
I'm sure you've lied to someone about something, I'm just gonna call it even.
You should have a license for that thing.
That's it for me.
You taped us having sex.
- You're kinkier than I thought. - You have no idea.
But I didn't tape us.
I confiscated this a few months ago from Dewey the security guard.
He had dozens of employee sex tapes like that.
Dewey? Damn.
That's the first Dewey I thought was normal.
The quest continues.
Anyway, when you mentioned Linda sent the e-mail on may 5th,
there was something about that date that rang a bell.
And then I rembered that that was the date on our tape,
since I've watched it several times.
You've watched it several times?
If you don't study your performance, how do you expect to keep your edge?
Well, I don't really look at it as a competition,
but whatever gets you there.
It was nice you did this for Linda.
Her heart wasn't really in being the scapegoat.
It just made more sense to give it to someone
who's gonna take the ball and run with it.
I, angel junk, am responsible for the hornets,
the perfume, you name it.
It was the drugs again. What can I say? I am weak.
I would do them on a train. I would do them in the rain...
In the rain, people. Now that's messed up.
CREAM TEAM